it’s day 3.

i wake up and the first few minutes i just sit in silence waiting for it to dawn on me that this isn’t a nightmare. then it hits me like a hammer, i suppress the involuntary urge to cry out loud and reluctantly get out of bed to start my day.

i can’t honestly deal. i suffered a major anxiety attack couple of months back due to personal bullshit and since then, it has taken a solid few weeks to rebuild my internal mental blocks and homeostasis. it was hard, took a lot of courage and i’m adamant not to lose sight of my mental stability.

but now i’m riding on a panic-driven roller coaster with no sense of stoppage. my family, friends, and coworkers are all in duress. we have no idea what may happen on our commute, who in our family may get racially attacked, would one of us fall victim to discrimination next? we are all in fear of safety, of religious intolerance, of deportation & so many other unconstitutional breaches. it is not vocalized but there is a palpable fear of white supremacy seething into our regular lives and we don’t want this, we want to avoid it like a fucking plague.

what happened election night is a colossal fuck up that all americans will gradually have to be held accountable for generations to come. mainstream media, news media, far-right, far-left & centrist pundits, MAGA voters, Dem voters, Lib voters, Green voters, we are all responsible for this storm that is to come. i’m a proud democrat yet i now feel guilty that with my candidate losing, i’m somewhat responsible for the global trepidation that has been imposed. i feel disillusioned, my eyes burn from tears, i feel hopeless that the party representing my staunch liberal beliefs is beyond fractured. right now, DNC chair is up for grabs and i sincerely want DNC elitists to take a backseat and let the true progressives lead. we are tired of behaving like predictable moderates and it is time to re-think, re-invent, reclaim what our beliefs truly mean and FIGHT for it. if we have any desire to take control by 2020, we need to rebuild and we need to start RIGHT NOW. let’s cut the holier-than-thou bullshit & listen to the disenfranchised base.

i have wasted enough time since election night arguing with smug sanders voters, angry sanders voters & third -party voters on why we lost. we argue over the unbelievable losses of PA, MI, WI. swing states that generally lean blue had turned red & we couldn’t fathom what the fuck happened. we discuss possible impeachment, then roll eyes at pence’s track record. we sign our names to abolish electoral college, then we lament the possible overturning of obamacare, roeVwade, dodd-frank. whatever President Obama had set in motion & his 8 year legacy had been invited to burn in hell and we are the silent observors. and we still can’t fucking believe that a  p**** grabbing, bigoted, racist, chauvinistic con-artist is taking over the baton. at times we fight among ourselves, we blame each other, we curse out the other 49% who voted against us. our livelihood is in disarray while we adsorb the reality that we have lost house, senate & scotus for a generation. we are left with no check & balance in our government come january 20th and all democrats are rightfully pissed the fuck off.

all said and done, i miss receiving text messages from Hillary Rodham Clinton’s campaign. i’m proud of the campaign she has run and how gracefully she had conducted herself in the debates and rallies. i’m proud that i took my father to the polling station and voted for our first female presidential candidate. i’m however enraged that America did not trust an experienced politician to be the commander-in-chief and chose a volatile, bankrupt and insecure jock with the nuclear codes. i’m amazed yet not shocked at the sexism & hypocrisy that surrounds us but is deeply underplayed and i promise to continue advocating and screaming feminism at every corner. i also understand that Clinton may not have been the most inspirational or even the perfect candidate for hordes of voters to rush to polls; but the fact that a possibility of going back to 1930s Germany didn’t deem to be critical concern for millions is disconcerting. is our education system from the elementary years a complete failure or as human species, we have desensitized so profoundly that we pay no heed to recurring eras of brutal history because of self-interests?

i don’t have the heart to get into the technicalities behind the tyranny we await. i was heavily invested in this election since 14 months now and the forecasted “definite” win that unraveled into a devastating shitshow has left me desolate. i’m vexed, i’m unforgiving, i’m ashamed. we have entered the twilight zone of a circus zoo and the worst part is, we don’t know what the fuck we are dealing with. we assume the worst, we fear the known praying that it remains the unknown, we attempt to normalize the abnormal. we need a reset button. or we can just continue bolstering the sale of happy pills and booze hoping to ease the pain. we as a nation is divided and i wish the like-minded states could unite and secede from the rest of the land of stupids. but that’s like living a fairytale and we’d rather sleep with eyes open in dystopia.

President Obama’s WH staff watching the Potus’s speech on 11/09/16